Does God have a sense of humor?

Post of the Month: March 1999

by James G. Acker

Newsgroups: alt.bible,talk.religion.misc,talk.origins
Date:       March 25, 1999
Message-ID: 199903251624.LAA03618@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov

Jeremy Reimer submitted:

It's a question, I think, that no religious text has adequately explored.

Suppose, just for example, you die and go to the Christian heaven. You wait around for ages at the gates, finally get in and here's your chance to talk to God. Everyone is listening.

"Hey God," you say, "what's the difference between God and a UFO? Give up? People actually believe in UFOs" You giggle for a moment, awkwardly.

What happens?

Here's my theory, based on whichever God happens to be in charge at the time.

Old Testament God: Gets really angry, throws lightning bolts at you and threatens to smite you and turn you into a pillar of salt and brutalize your family and destroy your city with giant flaming fireballs of death.

New Testament God: Smiles, nods, gives you some vague, unspecified threat and leaves.

Jesus Christ: Smiles, nods, blesses you anyway, and everyone smiles and laughs and you feel really foolish and walk away, vowing revenge.

Fundamentalist God: Smiles, nods, and tells you that everyone who has been home-schooled properly believes in God and not in UFOs. Condemns you to Hell because you went to public school and learned about "Evil-lution".

Calvinist God: Smiles, nods, and tells you that everyone who believes in God was predestined to believe in God, and that everyone else was predestined to believe in UFOs. Then asks you if you wish to believe in God so you won't go to Hell and accurately predicts your answer before you say anything.

Arminian God: Smiles, nods, and tells you that through witnessing and evangelism, people are led to believe in God and not in UFOs. If people still believe in UFOs, then believers have to sing LOUDER! Says that you'll be saved from Hell if you start singing.

Scientific Creationist God: Throws a lightning bolt at you (inaccurately) and then tells you that you have to believe in a 6,000 year old Earth and a global Flood to believe in God. Immediately condemns you to Hell because you don't.

Theistic Evolutionist God: Points out that the process He began millions of years ago has now led you to a belief in God, a bit too late to make a difference. Condemns you to Hell but is not specific about how long it will take you to get there.

Catholic God: Instructs the Pope to issue a new encyclical addressing the existence of UFOs. Adds: "Make sure that however you word it, Cal Thomas will feel that it threatens Western Civilization."

Skeptical God: Asks you if you believe in God now, and if not, what level of confirming evidence will be necessary for you to accept that God might possibly exist? (while holding a lightning bolt aimed at your forehead)

Talk.Origins God: Asks maff91 to tell you the URL for the appropriate FAQ discussing belief in God and the existence of UFOs. Instructs Andrew MacRae to provide a detailed explanation of the stratigraphy of the God-bearing layer in southeastern Ontario. Has David Iain Grieg construct a robomoderator so that prayers can only be cross-posted to a maximum of 4 pagan deities. Tells Richard Harter to initiate a pun cascade starting with "little green men" and to make sure that Acker knows about it. Instructs Dr. Nyikos to write 100 posts dissecting in minute detail how the Thread-Diluting Kaffeeklatsch about God and UFOs has distracted attention away from his main point about intelligent design, which was... Alerts Dr. Gans to be ready to discuss why UFOs are not disallowed by the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Makes sure that Howard Hershey et al. are ready to demonstrate that God is actually God and not evidence for a created genome in decline. Instructs Queen Maeve to create the Universe again, next Thursday. And as the ultimate demonstration of His power, due to your impertinence at the foot of the throne of the Lord Most High, God instructs Ted Holden to begin posting to talk.origins again.

Jim Acker

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| James G. Acker                              |
| REPLY TO: jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov     |
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